Walking on a String

Clocking yourself 101

Hey, how often do you think to yourself, “who the fuck do I think I am?”

I am basking in the great pleasure of self reflection like there is no tomorrow. Deemed that I spend too much time looking in the mirror and over analyzing whether I am a real, living being or not. Waiting for my reflection to make a movement that I didn’t.

Now, if my shrink were to read this, she would ring me up for a long overdue session. But respectfully, in this economy, I can only afford to clock myself. My brain is split into two. No, I don’t mean left brain - right brain, but it’s two of me constantly bickering with each other. I am turning 26 next month, and sometimes I make mistakes that assure me my frontal lobe hasn’t been fully developed. 25 was a big year of learning how to deal with these mistakes and the guilt that trots along behind them.

I’ve been spending weeks focusing on how I can stop being the shit show that is an occasional burden to my loved ones. This is what I came up with:

• Admit that you are wrong when you know you’re wrong. You are not to inherit stubborn genes. You are not an Asian mom. Apologize.

• Listen. Stop panicking and getting your thoughts in a knot.

• Know why you’re acting the way you are. Like I said, you need to clock yourself bad once in a while.

There are way more points I came up with, but those are what eases me back into the big orange spiral slide into reality. Sometimes I think I act out because I am deep in my quarter life crisis and I am so far gone. That’s not an excuse to be selfish, babes! You can go through the most stressful years of your twenties without being a nuisance.

Circling back to the quarter life crisis— I’ve never believed in it as a concept and reality for myself. Bitch, my life is so painfully eventful, I go through yearly breakdowns. I’d like to believe that that’s what makes my skin thick. Every birthday is like a coming of age movie, and I’m awfully tired of reinventing myself. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, I don’t journal, I wing almost everything in my life. Concerning, knowing that I need everything and anything planned to the dot. Sometimes the threat of spontaneity makes my anxious self grow.

Let’s talk about this year. Everyone around me went through heavy changes, be it good or bad. I love seeing my friends, family, and partner receive the opportunities they deserve. I love seeing them comb out dirt in their lives that are no longer benefiting them. I love seeing a good Marie Kondo moment. It makes me gleam knowing that they feel the same when I go through those things. A lot of people care about me as much as I care about them, and I need that tattooed on the skin of the palm of my hand like an impromptu grocery list. They’ve stuck with me when I got fired from my whack job and when I got to tour outside the country. Lowest to highest points, this year was something else.

When I’m going through a change (good or bad), I have a tendency to freeze in time. I forget to be grateful, to reflect, even to process. All that happens is a lot of staring at the ceiling, listening to a playlist I made called “Pain”. If I’m going to be one thing, it’s dramatic. I am my mother’s child. Honestly, I’m getting my ass kicked (by myself) for not dealing with reality. Progressing can be hard but I do not want to mess up the narrative of my life. I love what I have, I love that I am able to love and be loved— and I am not a showcase of my mental health. Never take these things for granted. Things can be gone or change in a second.

Credit: Patti Pandjaitan